The Marriage Relationships Site

Why Bob and Steve Should Be Allowed to Marry « practically speaking

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 06:23:16 +0000

President Obama caused shock waves throughout the country when officially reversing his stance on gay marriage. But as a former senior staffer during his 2004 U.S. Senate race, I can say that I was not the least bit surprised by his announcement. The issue of gay marriage has long been one where President Obama has wrestled with his own personal beliefs, those of his church, and those of his primary constituents, African-Americans.

I can now reveal a comment he made behind closed doors several years ago, as I prepared to be his surrogate at an upcoming Planned Parenthood candidate endorsement session. The following question appeared on the organization’s questionnaire: “Do you believe in gay marriage?” As we had never gotten a clear read on his stance on the issue of gay marriage, we waited keenly for his response. To the small group of advisors in a makeshift conference room, Obama stated coolly, “Personally, I really don’t care if Bob and Steve want to get married.” Naturally, his comments elicited a few hearty chuckles. Yet we understood his reaction well. He was not of the opinion that gay marriage was some grievous affront to the institution of marriage. And as an Illinois state senator, he had always been very supportive of many issues significant to the LGBTQ community.

But Barack (as we all called him once upon a time) was no political neophyte. Such is the sad reality of politics and religion, which often tend to obscure meaningful contemplation and discussion, that in order to solidify a base of African-American support for the primary election, he could never be so glib. According to our polling, African-Americans were generally supportive of gays and lesbians having the right to make intimate decisions for their partners, especially those that are financial or medical in nature. However, due in considerable part to their strong roots in the church, many balk when attaching the word “marriage” to gay relationships, even though the protections of which they are in favor are virtually identical to those bestowed in marriage.

And so, we finally crafted his official response to the question, a wonderfully non-committal answer about understanding the need for certain protections of same-sex domestic partners, but stopping short of affirming “gay marriage.” This somewhat wishy-washy answer was to be used in the myriad of candidate questionnaires, as well as in numerous upcoming public debates.

At a subsequent candidates’ forum, the issue of gay marriage surfaced, as expected. Barack was now armed with his newly constructed response. As the moderator moved down the line asking for the candidates’ stance on gay marriage, those with virtually no shot of winning were naturally emphatic in their support. But just when Barack was about to give his stock answer, he was assailed by a different question: “Knowing that you are the by-product of a relationship that until 1967, was considered illegal in most states in the union, how could you, in good conscience, be opposed to gay marriage?”

For a fleeting moment – and apparent only to those of us who worked closely with him – Barack seemed caught off-guard. Despite the momentarily surprise, he recovered swiftly. His response, much like his personality, was cool and academic; he drew distinctions between the prohibition against interracial marriage and gay marriage, delicately weaving in his sensitivity to the fact that for many, the word ‘marriage’ evoked very powerful traditions and religious beliefs. To me, however, there was a certain lack of conviction in his answer.

“And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.”

So begins the passage Genesis 28:1, widely quoted by opponents of miscegenation, meaning the marriage, cohabitation, or sexual intercourse between a white person and a member of another race. Miscegenation was widely proscribed in the United States until the mid-20^th century. Many anti-miscegenationists believed that the Hebrews and Canaanites were of different races, and thus, interpreted this passage as forbidding inter-marriage on racial grounds. It is these sort of religious arguments and interpretations of scriptures that were used to justify the prohibition of interracial marriages until June 12, 1967 when the landmark Loving v. Virginia decision was handed down – only 45 years ago, and nearly six years after President Obama was born.

The Supreme Court in Loving invalidated any laws that proscribed marriages between whites and non-whites. In its decision, the Court overturned the convictions of Mildred Jeter, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white male, residents of the commonwealth of Virginia who married in June 1958 in Washington D. C. to avoid the Racial Integrity Act, a Virginia state law that banned marriages between whites and any non-white person. In ruling that Virginia’s anti-miscegenation statute violated both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, the Court’s decision states:

Marriage is one of the “basic civil rights of man,” fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law.

Many opponents of gay marriage state that there is no true comparison between the prohibition of gay marriage and the former prohibition of interracial marriage. Some state that the passages long relied upon by opponents of miscegenation were mistakenly interpreted as referring to race when they actually spoke more of differences in religion, or marriage between people who did not shame the same faith or values. But, they believe, the bible speaks unequivocally about its opposition to homosexuality.

According to the Family Research Council, a well-known conservative Christian advocacy group, “Homosexual marriage is an empty pretense that lacks the fundamental sexual complementariness of male and female. And like all counterfeits, it cheapens and degrades the real thing.” And of course, who can forget the classic slippery slope argument that speaks most directly to why a gay marriage should be prohibited, as also articulated by the Council, “once marriage is no longer confined to a man and a woman, it is impossible to exclude virtually any relationship between two or more partners of either sex–even non-human ‘partners.’”

Of course, I shall not lower myself to explain why the ol’ “what if a man wants to marry his horse” argument is outright moronic and patently offensive. But I cannot help but dwell on the sentiment that gay marriage “cheapens and degrades the real thing.” I can certainly think of other types of marriage that cheapen and degrade the real thing, like quickie Vegas weddings and The Bachelor, to name a few. While I am not in favor of forcing couples to remain married against their will, it is difficult to refute the fact that the stigma of divorce has all but dissipated. One could argue convincingly that the ease with which people can now seek a divorce cheapens the institution of marriage profoundly.

I wonder whether the same people who wag their fingers disapprovingly at the thought of allowing gays to marriage remember 1 Corinthians giving a stern admonishment against divorce stating:

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

Considering the high rate of divorce and the increasing population of cohabiting couples who eschew the institution of marriage altogether, how many people of faith have given this much passage much heed?

I cannot help but think about how long the bible has been used justify slavery, discrimination and miscegenation, an opposition that was fervent and unwavering until very recently. In denying the appeal of the Lovings’ original conviction, Judge Leon Bazile, echoing Johann Friedrich Blumenbach’s infamous but widely accepted 18th-century interpretation of race, proclaimed:

Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.

While this general sentiment still lurks in certain corners of our society, it now is decidedly unfashionable and officially illegal. Yet, is it our faith that has changed our general opinion, or have there been more significant shifts in our culture that have prompted us to disavow the use of the bible to prohibit interracial relationships?

What President Obama’s declaration has done at minimum is to spark internal discussion, forcing us to analyze the source of our reservation or opposition to gay marriage. To those who cite their religious convictions as the source of disapproval, ask yourselves, “Are we being consistent? Are we as vehement in our disapproval of other things that desecrate the sacredness of marriage?” For those who have divorced a spouse (or multiple times in the case of some of our more outspoken conservative political figures), are we being hypocritical in quoting scriptures to admonish gay marriage when we personally have chosen to disregard clear biblical admonitions against divorce? Why are we less willing to acknowledge or concede that our religious compass has changed on such issues as divorce, premarital sex and cohabitation?

The debate of gay marriage is a prickly one indeed, rife with moral and religious landmines. So where does that leave us? Personally, I share President Obama’s belief from years ago: I am not offended by the notion of Bob or Steve wanting to marry. Perhaps it is because I happen to know many a Bob and Steve, or a Sarah and Karen, people in loving, committed relationships, who share the same desires for companionship, commitment and family as I do. Yet, as someone who adheres closely to the old adage about the “pot not calling the kettle black,” this is certainly not the issue upon which I (and many others) stand on any particular moral authority to denounce.

And to all of the Bob and Steves, Sarah and Karens whom I have befriended, don’t forget to invite me to the wedding.

Tags: Barack Obama, gay marriage, Genesis, interracial relationships, Loving v. Virginia, miscegenation, religion

Tales from Ted: Defining Our Relationships

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 06:23:16 +0000

For the miserably married, thinking of marriage, and soon to be married:

Defining Our Relationships

At the heart of Christianity is the doctrine of the mystical union of
the believer with Christ. The New Testament does not only call us to
believe in Christ, but to believe into Christ. Faith links us directly
into Christ. We become in Him and He in us. This mysterious union is
carried over into the relationship between Christ and the church. The
church is His bride, whom He has brought into a real, profound, and
powerful union.

We normally assume that the image of the church as the bride of Christ
is a metaphor borrowed from the institution of human marriage. In this
case, the earthly serves as the model for the heavenly. Perhaps that is
the intent of Scripture. Actually the earthly estate of marriage is
based on the heavenly model of the mystical union of Christ and His
bride not the Godhead. Marriage is the reflection of the heavenly
reality, not the basis for a heavenly image. All the more reason to
examine our motives for marriage in the first place.

Ephesians 5:21-33 is explicit in what the ideal marriage would be like.
Yet everyday Christian men and women have found themselves in a marriage
that is not sustainable. Women become terribly abused because they did
not choose wisely and find themselves and their children subject to
demonic oppression in the home that is supposed to be a safe
environment. Many have found they married for all the wrong reasons and
therefore chose badly in a mate they bonded to. When a choosing a mate
it is VERY IMPORTANT to view their entire character, not find reasons
for convenience to marry just because the situation fits your loneliness
or need of a family life. If the church had done it’s job in teaching
how to pick a mate for life(ie looking at integrity, entire character),
many divorces would never had happened in the first place. It is
impossible to give due honor or even submit to a fool if a fool is what
you married. In fact the Bible commands you to leave a fool and his
folly. Why set yourself up for a divorce by not taking into account the
full spectrum of one’s character before marriage? Therefore, choose
wisely whom you decide to bond with.

The perfect unity of persons existed in eternity in the nature of the
Trinity itself. Though the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not “one
flesh,” they are ONE being in perfect eternal harmony. In the Godhead,
there is no possibility of divorce. It is a union that cannot and will
not be broken. It is the eternal pattern of relationship that defines
our human relationship. We share with God not only an analogy of being,
but also an analogy of relationship. It is found in the mystery of a
good marriage.

Ephesians 5:21-33

In Christ,
See you next blog when I continue …Give Me Fifty

RantWoman and the RSOF: Marriage Equality: Testimony

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 05:47:06 +0000

There is an alert about Marriage Equality at the bottom from the Friends Committee on WA Public Policy. This post is a rough draft for something Friends in RantWoman’s Meeting are seasoning. There is a timeliness element which is why RantWoman is posting the top as rough draft.

Testimony
University Meeting has been taking same-sex and heterosexual marriages equally under our care for many years, having come to unity in our meetings for worship and business that this is what the Spirit calls us to do. But many people who’ve come to Meeting in recent years don’t know about the deep and long spiritual discernment process which we went through, and so are less than fully prepared to talk to people in person, or via social media, about what we do and why. If you would like to help craft a more detailed collection of previous testimony about our history and numerous statements supporting our testimony in this area, please leave a comment.

Short history
University Friends Meeting was one of the first Monthly Meetings in the Religious Society of Friends to take same-gender relationships under its care. The first time this occurred was in the 1980’s and this Meeting has long been on record in support of full Marriage equality. Here we offer some excerpts from our many minutes and public statements.

Do you participate in discussions about marriage equality with friends or neighbors? Do you participate in discussions about marriage equality through social media? We want to know, are there any resources that would help you tell the story of our Meeting’s history or that speak to modern conversations about this? If you have ideas or questions, please leave a comment and RantWoman will either address herself or enthusiastically help route

Marriage and Commitment
from North Pacific Yearly Meeting1993 Faith and Practice http://www.npym.org/fnp/index.html

THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY of an individual can be enhanced and strengthened in a loving, committed relationship. Some call the relationship marriage; some call it by another name. Friends have long recognized that some couples are called into a covenant relationship, a ministry of caring, which with Divine assistance may open the door to deep and unreserved love, to forgiveness, to sharing strengths, to trust and to the nurture of each other’s growth.

Early Friends recognized that the joining of two people in such a covenant relationship “is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests’ or magistrates; for it is God’s ordinance and not man’s; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses.” (George Fox, 1669)

When a couple feels called into such a covenant relationship, they seek clearness with their Meeting. When the Meeting finds clearness in the couple, and clearness within the Meeting to take their relationship under the care of the Meeting, a Meeting for Worship is specially called in which the couple publicly affirm and celebrate their lifetime commitment to one another.

Monthly Meetings within the Yearly Meeting have a variety of responses to accepting the role of clearness and oversight of committed relationships and marriages. … A number of Meetings choose to leave the naming of the relationship and the celebration to the couple.

Coming Under the Care of the Meeting:
Before taking a couple’s relationship under its care a Meeting, through a Clearness Committee, counsels with the partners, seeking to establish their clearness in what they are undertaking. If the committee so recommends, and the Meeting agrees, the relationship and the couple are taken under the care of the Meeting. This means that the couple is surrounded by a loving community which may take action as necessary to support the well being of the two individuals, of the relationship itself, and of any children who may be, or become, involved.

A couple, regardless of sexual orientation, comes under the care of a Monthly Meeting in any of the following ways: first, through the clearness process which precedes the marriage or celebration; second, by the Meeting members attending the celebration and witnessing the vows; third, through the care, support, and guidance given to every couple in the Meeting throughout their lifetime journey.

2012: One of the always-cited arguments against gay marriage is the opposition of Christians and other people of faith. we not only endorse the gay marriage law, but feel that this is a position we must take as a religious testimony. We have as a faith community recognized, for many years, the God-given, sacramental basis of many committed same-sex relationships, and witness to this when we take same-sex marriages under our meeting’s care. Tthis is similar in nature to our historic testimonies against slavery and racism, and in favor of women’s rights.

1997 Letter to the Governor of WA:

Our faith community has spent many years in prayer and dialogue regarding issues of marriage and family. One result of our faithful work has been that we approve wholly of the married union of same gendered couples. This position was taken as a result of listening for Divine guidance and seeking the Truth as best we could. Thus we do believe that God desires and accepts fully those couples, heterosexual or homosexual, who make loving commitments towards each other. We take this stand for marriage as a spiritual and personal commitment within a faith community.

As a result of this stand, it is our practice to approve and perform marriage and ceremonies of commitment for same-gendered couples. These couples we accept fully as a part of our community. We know them to be deeply committed to each other and loving parents. They are essential to the strength of our community and are often models of love and care. In addition to offering these couples our spiritual support, we feel it is important that homosexual marriages be granted civil status equal to that granted to heterosexual couples. Friends believe that everyone is a child of God and should be related to in those terms. … We see clear benefits in granting equal civil recognition of same sex marriage. The legal and financial stability of such social recognition offered to couples creates a more stable union and, for those who choose to parent, greater stability for their children as well.

Over the years of our consideration of this issue we did struggle. We prayed and “held each other in the Light” even when we disagreed. The result of all of this has strengthened our community. We are still growing and learning, but we have what we believe is a truer sense of love, family, commitment and community.

A historical note from a modern blog also about legal recognition of Quaker families:

The original purpose of a Quaker marriage certificate was to provide public recognition of the act of marriage. It was signed by everyone present to give legal weight to the public declaration by showing that it was witnessed by lots of people. The certificate could be presented by the meeting to a magistrate to show that the couple’s children were not bastards and that they could hold property together and bequeath it to them, and so subvert the challenges of disaffected relatives.

http://sheffieldquakers.blogspot.com/2012/05/same-sex-marriage-and-weddings.html

Resources outside our Meeting:

Friends Committee for WA Public Policy
http://www.fcwpp.org/
WA United for Marriage http://washingtonunitedformarriage.org/
Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns, http://www.flgbtqc.org/

Decline to Sign / Vote YES FCWPP Alert on Marriage Equality

Friends Committee on WA Public Policy
Alert in Support of Washington State’s Marriage Equality Law

FCWPP endorses the Washington United for Marriage coalition and its efforts to uphold Washington’s Marriage Equality Law. Specifically, we support the effort by this coalition to collect pledges stating, “I support marriage equality for all loving, committed couples in Washington State. I pledge to approve Referendum 74.” We encourage you to visit http://washingtonunitedformarriage.org/ and pledge your support today. Physical pledge cards are also available to circulate and return to the coalition office.

BACKGROUND

On February 13, 2012, Governor Gregoire signed into law ESSB 6239, permitting same‐sex couples to marry in Washington State and thus ending marriage discrimination against certain loving, committed couples. This law is consistent with Friends’ testimony of equality and with the attached Minute approved by North Pacific Yearly Meeting 15 years ago, in 1997. FCWPP stood with others in supporting this legislation and has celebrated the action of the legislature and governor. However, some citizens of Washington are circulating petitions to collect signatures for Referendum 74, in the hope of overturning this law. The way a referendum works is that before it goes into effect those who oppose a law passed by the legislature and signed by the governor may solicit signatures to place it on the ballot for a vote. Then they attempt to overturn it with a majority REJECT vote. Thus those of us who support the Marriage Equality Law are in a curious position:

1. It is in our interest not to sign a petition to put Referendum 74 on the ballot, but

2. If Referendum 74 does qualify for the ballot, then we would vote APPROVE it.

Those promoting the referendum need to deliver 120,577 signatures to the Secretary of State by June 6, 2012. If they do not, the law will go into effect on June 7, 2012. As part of the effort to uphold the law, Washington United for Marriage seeks to obtain more pledges supporting marriage equality than signers on Referendum 74. The support demonstrated by these pledges will be used to counter negative messaging that turning in referendum signatures could create. FCWPP supports this effort to help create the momentum needed to pass Referendum 74, if it gets on the ballot.

Meetings and other organizations may endorse this effort to sustain marriage equality at

http://washingtonunitedformarriage.org/about/ . Individual Friends and others may also pledge their support online at

http://washingtonunitedformarriage.org/ . Washington United for Marriage has a variety of suggestions for supporting marriage equality and efforts to sustain the current law.

One final point. In the future, there may be an additional effort to place Initiative 1192 on the ballot. This would be another way to overturn the Marriage Equality Law. Friends who support marriage equality should also avoid signing petitions to place this measure on the ballot. Should it appear on the ballot, a NO vote would support marriage equality.

To summarize the main points: FCWPP recommends that Friends

1. Do not sign a petition to get Referendum 74 on the ballot
2. Do circulate and sign the Washington United for Marriage pledge to support marriage equality
3. If Referendum 74 gets on the ballot, vote to APPROVE
4. As you are led, ask your meeting to support marriage equality
‐‐ The FCWPP Legislative Committee

I Will Not Get Married Just to Please My Family « In Our Words

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 05:47:04 +0000

I Will Not Get Married Just to Please My Family

by: Ayada Adler

Note: This piece was originally featured on the “Sex and Relationships” page of Role/Reboot and was republished with permission. You can find the original here.

My family doesn’t “believe” in divorce. Grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, and even my brother married and stayed with the same person their whole lives. They are also some of the most miserable people I know. For their 38th wedding anniversary, my parents and I went to dinner. For most of the meal we ate in silence. To try to start a topic of conversation, I said, “Most of your friends and neighbors have gotten divorced but you two stay together. How do you do it?”

Together they both looked at me and said, “It’s not worth it,” and went back to eating in silence. Later on, my dad said to me, “We made a deal. Whoever filed for divorce first had to take the kids. It kept us from filing.”

However, just because they were miserable, didn’t mean that they didn’t expect their children to get married. When the family gatherings got large enough to put the kids at their own table, the dividing line between who got to sit at the grown-ups’ table was marriage, especially for women. My brother, who wasn’t married until age 34, always sat at the grown-ups’ table. I always sat at the kids’ table and was told to look after the children. I learned that a woman’s value was in her ability to get a man and make him marry her.

From my first relationship on, I felt it was my job to make any relationship into marriage. At 23, I stayed with a man I didn’t even like for three years because I thought he was my best bet for getting married. After we started living together, he stopped going into work, ran up the phone bill to $1,000 and stopped bathing. And he is the one who broke up with me.

At age 28, I settled into a long-term relationship with a very nice man named Kevin. My family was relieved to see me in a stable relationship. No woman in our family had ever turned 30 without getting married. I worked as hard as I could in every relationship, even staying with men I didn’t like so that wouldn’t happen to me.

However, as I got closer to 30, it seemed like we had suddenly stopped dating. We were in this happy and stable relationship, but he felt no need to spend weekends together. We never slept at each other’s apartment. Once we moved in together, the sex stopped completely.

Kevin had always been something of a homebody, but he slowly stopped going out with other people, and finally refused to go out with me. He left every day for work, thankfully, but other than that he didn’t want to leave the apartment. When my career started taking off, he talked to me about becoming a stay-at-home partner so he wouldn’t have to leave home at all.

I could see that he was very depressed. We talked about it, and what he could do to help himself. He assured me that he would work himself out of it his own way. So I waited.

Then it happened. I turned 30 as a single woman.

But as my family’s expectations of my relationship heated up, mine began to cool down. I realized that although my family saw marriage as necessary, I saw that marriage to this man meant a life of doing things on my own. Sure, he might marry me. He might even have kids with me. But he might never go to a movie with me again, or go on a walk with me on a warm spring night. Was that really what I wanted for my future? I was doing everything alone anyway. What about that would marriage change?

Absolutely nothing.

Still, I wasn’t ready to abandon that relationship. I stayed with him another two sexless years, waiting, giving him time and space to sort things out. But nothing changed. He became more set in his ways, more stubborn and less able to talk about it. I felt completely unable to deal with the slow and silent death of desire in my relationship.

Then one night I met an old boyfriend while I was out. We ended up sharing a drink, and against all good sense I went back to his place with him. As we lay on his couch making out like desperate high school teenagers, all I could think about was how horrible I would feel when it was all over. How could I do this to Kevin?

I ended our make-out session before any clothes came off. Back in my car I caught sight of my face in the rear view mirror. All around my mouth my skin was rubbed raw by the kissing, and the only thing I could think was, “What the hell am I doing in this relationship with Kevin?” I realized that I’d rather face my family as a single woman than face myself as Mrs. Kevin.

I broke up with Kevin two days later. He yelled and was angry, but it turned out to be a fight he didn’t really want to have. A few weeks later he left, quietly and peacefully. I think we were both relieved.

My family was shocked. They yelled and pleaded, much more than Kevin did. “But he’s such a good man!” my mom said. “You really think there are a bunch of men out there waiting to marry a 32-year-old woman?” my dad asked. “Don’t forget, you have to make time for love,” my aunt said.

And truthfully, starting dating in my 30s was something of a shock. Most of my peers were already settled down. In that first year of dating I ran into married men who wanted some action on the side and desperate men who proposed on the first date because they felt the time was right for them to get married. I started to wonder if I’d made a huge mistake.

But breaking up with Kevin proved something to the most important person: me. I no longer felt the need to bend over backward to try to make a relationship work just to please my family. I realized that work and effort still needed to be made, but I should put it into pleasing myself.

And you want to know the funny thing? Men responded to that. I had always been afraid of saying no, afraid of being seen as mean or unloving or superior. But this time, I wasn’t trying to audition for the role of wife; I was there to have some fun. So I finally said no to the gross-out humor movies I couldn’t stand, to the endless agonizing hours of baseball on TV, and to the mandatory third-date blowjob. And when I began to say no, to set limits and to stand up for myself, suddenly men were bending over backward to please me. I feel like when I backed off trying to be SuperGirlfriend, there became room for men to work to impress me and romance me by going to movies I was interested in, trying restaurants I had read about, and in long, passionate make out sessions that left us both panting for more.

I began to learn how to sort the good men from the bad. In the past few years I’ve been at dinner parties and potlucks where the majority of the single men competed over who got to sit next to me, walk me to my car or ask for my phone number. It seemed that my dad was wrong when he said that men would lose interest at the ripe old age of 32. The men I started seeing wanted to take me out and show me off to their friends. They wanted to cook elaborate meals for me. And, most of all, they encouraged me to write, something I had always wanted to do but I didn’t know how to start. I had several partners who were excited to see everything I was working on. Once I was complaining about not having enough time to write while having a lunch date, and the guy I was seeing got paper from the waiter and let me write while we had lunch. They were passionate about my passions because they were mine. They encouraged me to grow.

Now, I am in the happiest, most fulfilling, and sexiest relationship I’ve known. I swoon every time I look at my boyfriend with his dark, curly hair and big blue eyes. I love the way he holds me after a bad day at work and how he encourages me to keep to my workout and writing schedule, never letting me slack off on the promises I’ve made to myself. And in our intimate moments, he is committed to finding the things that set me on fire and satisfy me. He leaves me breathless and exhausted when I finally fall asleep in his arms.

I had to outgrow some of the assumptions I had about relationships before I was ready to be made happy by one. But I am. I am very, very happy. And if we decide to get married in the future, it will be because we want to make that kind of commitment to each other, and not so I would be welcome at the grown-ups’ table.

Adaya Adler is a jacqueline-of-all-trades and has worked many jobs from Fortune 500 trainer to phone sex operator. She is a part-time citizen journalist and a full-time adventurer, and wants to use all her experiences as fodder for future blog entries. She blogs at http://adaya36.livejournal.com/ and tweets at Adaya36. You can reach her at adaya36@yahoo.com.

Tips For Getting Back Your Marriage | Perspectives on Relationships

admin — Mon, 14 May 2012 03:16:53 +0000

By admin
　http://www.anorexicfuzzball.com/tips-for-getting-back-your-marriage/

Signs your marriage is over

Although married couples are supposed to stay together forever, half of them end up getting divorced. Many times, the love that a couple thought they had just seems to evaporate leaving either hostile feelings for each other or, at the other extreme, no feelings at all. People commonly mistake lust for love, and that becomes obvious when they get divorced from each other within five years of the date they got married. If you were truly in love, you would be able to make it through both good times and bad. If you’re caught in one of these loveless marriages, what are your choices?

If you aren’t connected with your spouse anymore, it will certainly be hard to live with them. Certain obligations like children or finances may be keeping you around instead of the love of your partner. You may wonder if such a failed romance can be rekindled, and the answer is “yes”! It’s going to take some work, but it can be done. Couples need to express their feelings with each other, which is why communication is so important. At some point, your feelings towards your spouse left, so you need to determine exactly when that happened. What caused you to feel this way? Talking about these emotions with your spouse can open the way for future negotiation. Don’t try to place all of the blame on your partner either.

Some people think it’s too much trouble to fix things, so they’d rather keep things as they are. It may seem silly to do this, but there are actually a few reasons why some people would prefer to do so. Some couples decide to stay together just for their children’s sake, but that’s not always a good idea. Children know when something is wrong, and maintaining your union strictly for their sakes can cause more problems than it solves. Many people aren’t willing to accept the fact that their marriage has been a failure. Others decide to stay because living on their own may not be financially possible.

Staying together isn’t always bad, as a few couples have done it. Communication is still key as you and your spouse attempt to work out an arrangement that will satisfy each partner. Don’t try to compare your marriage to one of your friend’s or family member’s marriages. Everyone is different, so it stands to reason that no two marriages will be alike. Doc No. 34Sdlhgsdl -sds

Kristie Brown writes on a variety of topics from health to technology. Check out her websites on signs your marriage is over and signs that marriage is over

What Makes Your Mom Special | |Every Womans Heart|Love and …

admin — Mon, 14 May 2012 03:16:52 +0000

What Makes Your Mom Special

By: Ronke Alao

Mother’s day has come and gone and it was a day that attention got drawn to the importance of mothers in our society. We hear people talk about their mothers more than at any other time in the year. I decided to run a contest to get everyone saying something special about their mothers and what they love(d) about her. We got interesting entries and it was such a wonderful experience reading everyone’s entries but after reading all the entries, I had to pick a winner. Roll out the drums, and yes, the red carpet too. Our winner for the mother’s day contest is………………………Debbie Twomey!!!!!!!!!

I will be sharing some of the entries we got because they are all worth reading.

Elizabeth writes

“My mom is highly sacrificial”.

Adeola writes

“She is so caring, thinks ahead and acts fast. She is devoted to God and the entire family. She is always there and a good encourager.

Rose writes

I loved everything about her – especially her kindness and compassion.

Debbie’s winning entry

My Mom was an amazing woman and one I miss every day of my life. She was 67 when she passed away 10 years ago–and it was a total shock. She was a strong person with so many talents–sewing, drawing, knitting and so much more. She had 7 children in less than 10 years and worked full time. I have to say the most admirable quality my mother possessed was understanding she was not a perfect mother when we were growing up , and learning to mature right along with us. She loved having all of us together and there was no other place she would have rather been. When she passed, we were all by her side at the hospital singing one of her favorites, “You are my Sunshine” and telling family jokes so she would feel better about having to leave us all. We miss you Mom.

One common thread through the entries was a mother’s strength and strong spirit. As ladies, mothers make an impression on us and we grow up thinking of them as what a woman should be. Let’s keep that in mind to as we play the role of mother to others coming after us.

Let’s do our best to be great examples, not as perfectionists but as real women who do the best they know and always try to improve on their mothering skills.

Congratulations to Debbie, she will be getting her FREE “Thinking Of You” mother’s day gift set which is worth $60 and has amongst other items, a fruity floriental perfume, and a perfume pendant with a rub-on fragrance.

Mothers do rock!

Ronke Alao is a writer who gives time-tested and simple principles to help women enjoy their relationships and marriages. Her methods teaches women how to get past the confusion of dating and getting to the place where they really have fulfilling relationships and marriage.

She is known for her ‘up-close and personal’ style of getting her message across and drawing lessons from her personal experience. She is married to her best friend, Wale, who is her biggest cheerleader. Her online newsletter, EveryWoman’s Heart, is read in over 72 countries.

MoonScape – Gay Marriage

admin — Fri, 11 May 2012 03:00:52 +0000

Some people claim that allowing gay marriage would imperil traditional marriage. But they have no mechanism to display. How–exactly, by what mechanism–is the marriage of two men, or two women, supposed to imperil the marriage of a man and a woman? What does it do?

A bit of boundary discussion here: who’s responsible for what, and how that relates to marriages. An individual is responsible for his/her own behavior. Individuals who form a relationship (be it a marriage or a business partnership or a friendship) are both (or all, if more than two) responsible for the success or failure of that relationship. The relationship will prosper, or not, as they invest in it the better parts of their character: honesty, courage, compassion, etc. If three guys go on a fishing trip, the success of that trip will depend on each one doing his part….and if one is a whiner, and one is a boaster and one didn’t bring the food he promised to bring, the misery they cause each other has nothing to do with the fact that in the next campsite three women are also on a fishing trip, having a great time, and catching trout hand over fist. Each group created its own experience.

It’s the same with marriages. The success or failure of a marriage rests on the people in the marriage. If the marriage tanks, they blew it. Not “society”, not the in-laws, not the media, not the marriages of other people in the neighborhood or the social club or the church–not anything but the people themselves…male or female, in any combination that occurs. The quality of a marriage is determined by the behavior of the people in the marriage.

So….how, exactly, could the existence of gay marriages threaten traditional marriages, with the responsibility for the health of a marriage squarely on its partners? Does accepting gay marriage mean that everyone has to have a gay marriage? No. No more than having traditional marriages means that everyone has to have a traditional marriage. Does gay marriage mean that a straight marriage is doomed to fail? No. So…how does it threaten them?

Clearly, it can’t. So those who oppose gay marriage have to leave the mechanism alone and take another route, the appeal to authority, what they say God said. But the texts quoted do not say that gay marriages threaten traditional marriages…the closest they get is that God supposedly said marriage was between a man and a woman. So the only legitimate approach to opposing gay marriages is to say that because God didn’t sanction gay marriages, they should not exist.

This is a very weak position. God didn’t sanction a lot of things–even if you take the Bible as the literal word of God, there’s a lot simply not mentioned in the Bible. Automobiles, trains, airplanes, nuclear submarines, electric lights, computers, the stock market, stainless steel, coal mining, calculus, brain surgery, tectonic plates, science fiction, synthetic fabrics, nail polish…the list is endless. God specifically spoke against some things that you never hear gay-marriage opponents complaining about: consuming pork and shellfish, for instance. Creating economic burdens for the poor. Flaunting your religion. Judging others. Failing to care for the poor. In fact, if you take the Gospels as an expression of God’s will (and if you’re a Christian, you’re pretty much stuck with that) there’s no sign that God thought gay marriages were bad for people in traditional marriages…who were urged, along with everyone else, to quit being judgmental and leave the handling of sins to God.

For those who aren’t Christian, what the Bible says, or Paul of Tarsus is supposed to have said about homosexuality is immaterial–those beliefs aren’t their beliefs and there’s no justification for forcing those beliefs on someone who doesn’t share them. In a country with a diversity of beliefs–a diversity of beliefs that existed in the colonial period and throughout this country’s history–there’s a Constitutional right for each citizen to be treated equally–not to be forced to accept some other person’s religious beliefs. When the only underpinning for a law is religious–when there is no mechanism by which a different belief causes measurable harm to more than someone’s sensibilities–then there’s no justification for that law. Religious practices remain in the religious realm; law is political, and belongs in the secular realm.

To take a counter-example: a law against underage marriage. What’s the basis for saying it’s illegal to marry someone below a certain age? A non-religious justification: quantifiable harm done to the underage person (usually female) by the physical, educational, and psychological consequences of marriage at a young age. This harm is quantifiable: interruption of education, limiting the fitness of a young person for later life, the physical damage that early childbearing causes, the increased likelihood of a complicated pregnancy and maternal and infant morbidity and mortality, the immaturity of at least one parent, which results in less effective parenting. There is objective evidence that, in our society, the average young teenage girl is not equipped for marriage and childbearing and parenting and that very early marriages are more likely to end sooner. This decision comes not from religion (indeed several religions would permit marriage before the legal age of consent) but from the practical, observable considerations that it is better for society if those who marry are competent adults.

No such practical, observable, quantifiable consideration exists for gay marriage. On the contrary, the lack of a recognized legal status for gay partnerships prevents practical, observable, and quantifiable benefits for society.,,the same benefits claimed for traditional marriage, in stabilizing relationships within a legal framework that makes clear the legal obligations of the parties involved, a framework that also provides young gay/lesbian people with a viable model of how they might choose to live.

So I support gay marriage. And if one 60+ year old woman, brought up in a conservative small town, in a traditional marriage for 40+ years, can come to the conclusion that gay marriage poses no threat to her or to any other straight people who are married, or want to get married….how then can some still be foaming at the mouth?

Simple trust makes the marriage go smooth

admin — Fri, 11 May 2012 03:00:51 +0000

In all over the world from ancient times to till now, institution of marriage (husband and wife relationship) is in the trend to keep a social balance of healthy and happy man and woman relationships. Many a times ago in the rural life’s woman are strictly suppressed to stay in the house and to perform all the household chores without and complaints or suggestions. But by the rapid movement of urbanization and globalizations, wide spreading of education for all people equally, makes them aware enough about the status of women in the society.
With the wide spread of media and technology, India which was earlier a country of villages have replaced the tag now have been become as one the major developed country in the world. Lots of legal laws amendments, vast communication and awareness for the rights and duties of each man in every moment of life makes them aware about how to live better.

Now in many a homes orthodox mentally of young generation have been replaced by modern thoughts and working style in every aspects of the life.
Now, the ladies who are staying at home are being called as a ‘home manager’. The position of the woman is little bit improved in some homes. Accruing Good education is the main reason for this change in the people. Many educated parents have realized the facts that there is no difference if they are blessed with a baby girl or boy. If any child is getting good upbringing at home at social, mental or physical level then they won’t get diverted in their future for any good or bad situations.
Such type of kids have developed so much of cognitive skills, rightawareness and confidence in themselves, that in whole future with good mutual understanding and realizations of the facts independently they can become or establish a good husband wife relationshipin their life span.
We can suggest you a few tips about how to improve husband wife relations:-
1. Marriage demands hopes, sacrifices and discipline. It is true that when two people get married they instantly start expecting each other to be patient and supportive without knowing that they belong to different families, up bringing and atmosphere. It is true that time is the biggest healer that teaches both husband and wife the real art of living and how to stay together happily with mutual understanding and respect for each others situations.

2. Think positive that your relationship would work forever. Always analyze each other situations and habits thoroughly. Never treat each other in the opposition party member. May be whatever you are thinking is half truth and don’t judge on this fact unless by the flow of time you are not getting the facts about each other’s real conditions.

3. Try to have the feelings of forgiveness and forgetfulness in your relationships with either person. We are leading a short life. Where any body can commit mistakes. Never repeat your mistakes. And have complete trust on your partner.
4. It is true that love is to be felt more than said or heard. Often say ‘I LOVE YOU’ if you really feel like that. But more important is that love is not expecting words. It is an emotional term which can be felt in speech less moments too.
5. A sense of respect with using the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ make it easy to communicate with out ego problems between any two people. Timely gaps in communication, always increases the attraction between two of you. Over possessiveness and demands always makes you apart from your beloved. If he she feels something to offer you … can offers you in the surprise.
6. If you are initially peaceful then you will have tremendous energy to work productively and creatively in every field. And your nature of frankness, peaceful character automatically will attract your spouse towards you without any efforts.
7. Very important Remember; never talk negatively about each others parents or relatives. Also, always avoid discussing each others old relationships if any. This can spoil both of your relationship for ever. If any body has some problem to handle any situation then it is prior love towards your partner to solve that first.
8. Being bossy and authoritative with each other never helps so don’t even try to do that at all. In fact, try acting like a friend who wishes you on your birthday brings lovely gifts for you and tries to do all the good for you come what may. The whole idea is to first know each other and then act which comes with time after lot of patience.
9. It is true that marriage is a gamble like what many have said. But if you know your cards well and also know how to play the game, you will definitely a winner!May be at the starting you were a failure in maintaining the relationships.
10. Some times in arrange marriage couple needs more time to solve the puzzles of life and marriage. But if you are showing complete faith in your partner… then the game is yours.

Romantic Marriage: Jealousy is Not Romantic

admin — Tue, 08 May 2012 02:16:04 +0000

Some people think that jealousy is a sign of love, but it is really a sign of trouble.

Jealousy can be roughly divided into two types: rational and irrational. Rational jealousy is a response to a real situation, such as a partner’s untrustworthy behavior or infidelity. Irrational jealousy occurs when there is no misbehavior on the part of the partner, but it is generated from something in the jealous person’s emotional makeup.

A person with a chronically jealous nature may be insecure, unable to trust, possessive, or controlling. Jealousy is common in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, where the abuser is constantly accusative, perceiving betrayal in the most innocent of transactions. The abuser attempts to monitor and control the spouse, and often flies into a rage over “nothing”. No matter what the victimized spouse does to placate the abuser, the abuser is never satisfied, and the behavior tends to get worse over time.

Sometimes a person suffers from jealousy because he or she feels inadequate and insecure. The jealous person may imagine himself to be unworthy of love, or he may doubt his partner’s commitment to the relationship. He compares himself unfavorably to others, and worries that his spouse will choose them over him. If he has been betrayed in the past, he may be hypersensitive to even the tiniest clue that it may happen again. Often, however, jealous feelings are not the result of any actual situation, but just a product of the jealous person’s negative view of himself or of the world and relationships in general. The jealous spouse may suffer from frequent anxiety, feelings of helplessness, and fear of rejection, constantly seeking reassurance from the partner. Like the abuser, the inherently anxious partner is never really satisfied by his spouse’s assurances, and the relationship is likely to deteriorate over time.

Sometimes there is a rational basis for jealousy. A person who discovers that his or her spouse has been unfaithful will naturally have a very strong response. He will likely experience a whole range of emotions which include anger, resentment, grief, confusion, sadness, anxiety, distrust and jealousy. If both people decide to stay and repair the marriage, these feelings will not go away overnight, but will have to be addressed as part of the process of gradually rebuilding trust.

Even where no actual infidelity has occurred, a spouse’s untrustworthy behavior may trigger jealousy. Sadly, some people think it is a good idea to make their spouse jealous as a way to “prove” love. People who feel neglected in a relationship sometimes try this as a way of getting their spouse’s attention. Others feel a sense of power when they manipulate their spouse’s emotions. The person who is trying to trigger jealousy in the spouse may flirt openly, go overboard in complimenting other people, make unfavorable comparisons between the spouse and another person, and behave in a secretive manner. If a jealous reaction occurs, the manipulator may feel gratified by having obtained the intended result, or he may believe that somehow this proves that he is truly loved by his spouse. But the gratification is only temporary, and it comes at a high price. Deliberately hurting one’s spouse and undermining trust makes a relationship worse, not better. Cruel, untrustworthy behavior causes love to fade away.

Of course, even in a happy, healthy relationship, there may be rare moments when a situation leads one partner to feel a momentary twinge of anxiety. But if jealousy is an ongoing theme in a relationship, it needs to be confronted. Both partners need to be sure that they are treating each other with honesty and respect. If the problem is severe, professional counseling may be needed to help one or both partners make important changes in thinking and behavior patterns. Partners in successful relationships show their love, not by making their spouses feel threatened and insecure, but by making them feel safe and valued.

Are Money Problems Hurting Your Relationship? (POLL)

admin — Tue, 08 May 2012 02:16:03 +0000

(newstalk 870 file image)

According to the folks who scour money, facts and figures for a living, money is now the #1 source of stress in marriages and relationships.

We’ve known for decades that money problems are one of the biggest stresses on a marriage or relationship. But a new study from the American Institute of CPA’s (AICPA) done by noted polltaker Harris Interactive shows money is now the Number One source of friction and stress for couples.

27% of the couples surveyed said money was the source of arguments or spats in their relationship. This is now the number one source; ahead of children, work, friends or chores. Experts also say the economic issues over the last 3-5 years has moved money well ahead of the other catagories when it comes to marital friction. The study shows many of the arguments stem from couples having to make increasingly more decisions over what is needed by the family vs. what they want to do with their money. The less stress couples feel over money, jobs, income and budgets, the more disposible income they have as well as financial security.

Take our poll: is money (money, jobs, income, financial security) the #1 source for friction in your marriage or relationship?